Soccer’s Terminator: Trust Me, Watch the Bundesliga

There’s not many sports happening across the world right now, and you’ve probably already heard almost everything about the things that are happening: The Last Dance...Dak wanting more money, does he?...The biggest fine in Korean soccer history...Birds in NASCAR (Not Lynyrd Skynyrd). Almost the only thing in the sports world outside of those is the resuming of the German Bundesliga, one of the top soccer leagues in the world.

I know all you sports fans out there are craving literally any sport you can get your hands on, so let me show you why you should take the time to watch the Bundesliga. Today, I want to introduce you to quite potentially one of, if not the, biggest young stars in the league and potentially the whole world. And to make it easier, I’ll give you some American comparisons for him as well.

Meet ERLING HAALAND.

So background first. Haaland is a striker from Norway, but he currently plays and starts in the Bundesliga for Borussia Dortmund, one of the most iconic teams in Germany. Even more impressive, the man is a ripe 19 years old, born in July 2000-- not even in the same millennium as many of us.

Haaland started his professional career at home in Norway, but branched out when he signed for Red Bull Salzburg, typically the top in Austria, in January 2019. Haaland entered the world’s view during this past year’s Champions League (Europe’s famous continental competition) group stages where he scored 6 goals in his first 3 games (3 vs Genk, 1 vs Liverpool, and 2 vs Napoli). He also had a goal in each of his 5 games. In the Austrian league and Champions League, Haaland scored 17 goals in only 16 games, including 4 hat tricks in 6 months. He transferred to Dortmund in January 2020 and recorded 9 goals in only 8 games before the shutdown caused by COVID-19, even recording 2 goals against world giants PSG and creating an infamous celebration in the moment.

On May 16, in the first match after the shutdown ended for the Bundesliga, Haaland scored another goal-- totaling 10 goals in 9 games for one of the German giants and in one of the top leagues in the world. Clearly, Haaland has put the world on notice, and you'll absolutely be seeing and hearing all about him as he competes in one of the only active sports leagues in the world.

So...with all that being said, if all of that meant nothing to you, the best armchair quarterback in the world, I’ll make it even a little bit easier.

Let’s have some fun and make some comparisons to Haaland the average American will understand, applicable to the world today.

Since The Last Dance is so relevant, producing countless debates and even more memes, let’s start there. I’m not even going to try to say he’s Michael Jordan, don’t worry. However, I think it’s fair to compare Haaland to one of Jordan’s top nemeses and an absolute sharpshooter-- Reggie Miller. Cocky and brash but with an absolute penchant for scoring, these men are extremely similar. Think about some of the most iconic moments of Miller’s career, like single-handedly taking down the Knicks in 9 seconds, and Haaland has started to show the same bravado in his moments of carrying the team solely on his back. And again, the KID is only 19 YEARS OLD. But with the swagger, exuberance, and star power, Haaland can easily find a Last Dance comparison with Reggie Miller.

Want a current NBA comparison? Think Klay Thompson. Lethal sharpshooter, confident and can be cocky, yet able to be quiet at the same time. An incredible assassin, but once he makes the kill, he’ll make sure that everyone knows.

Need a different route? Let’s go movie characters this time. Easy comparison here-- Haaland is 200% The Terminator. The man is a machine designed to take down enemies. Haaland scores goals and takes down teams like nobody’s business. He knows it too and owns it. Haaland plays like he knows nobody is able to stop him, and he shows off that same kind of power as Schwarzengger’s character. But even more so, Haaland might just quite literally be a machine. He plays like a robot, he even looks like a robot, and sure handles an interview like a robot. Just watch this video, tell me I’m wrong. I dare you.

Haaland is a machine. A freak of nature. AT 19 YEARS OLD. Comparable to a star of the NBA from the 90’s. Destroyer of soccer teams worth billions of dollars. What can’t the man do (outside of showing emotion in an interview)?? So even if every sport in the world was happening, Haaland would be well worth your attention. But given the Bundesliga is one of the only leagues operating in the whole world, why would you not take the time to turn on a game and see what this kid has to offer? And when you do, be prepared to be blown away. If you aren’t, The Terminator - erm Haaland - will have you next on his list.

Author: Christian Taylor